A Conversation with My Daughters, Shasha and Tasha – Part 1

In my weekly radio show, Parenting 101 on XL106.9FM, I usually emphasise the importance of spending time with our children, listening to them, and having conversations with them. What better way to put this into practice than to hear how my own girls are navigating their journey through life? So, in celebration of the International Day of the Girl Child, 2023, I had a conversation with my daughters, Shasha and Tasha. Like their responses (and their photos, I guess ) show, they are alike but also quite different; each one of them is unique and special, and I love them so! I hope you enjoy reading this piece and are in some way inspired! To Shasha, Tasha, my other girls, nieces, and every girl/lady reading this, always remember that you are amazing, beautiful and capable. Boldly pursue your dreams and know that you have everything you need to succeed! Go break the glass ceiling!

Can you share a little bit about yourself and what you think is the best part about being a girl?

Shasha: I’m Shalvah, but everyone knows me as Shasha. I am an accountant, and personal finance and fashion blogger. Honestly, I’m not too sure what the best part of being a girl is. Maybe wearing makeup, the opportunity to have different looks, having more clothing selections and cheaper clothes in comparison to men? I’m not too sure. I will say I personally enjoy chivalrous acts a lot.

Tasha: I’m a 20-year-old who is in love with learning. I think we are all students of life. I think the best part about being a girl is the sisterhood – going out and a fellow girl or lady is always having your back in a way, whether it’s to help you with wardrobe malfunction or emergency or like getting ready to go out with your girlfriends. The connections are always deeper and innate in a sisterly way.

In today’s age of social media and the temptation to live in comparison, how do you maintain your confidence, a healthy self-esteem, as well as positive body image? 

Shasha: Wheeww, this is tough. It has taken a lot of work to get to where I am in terms of having a healthy self-esteem. I would say one thing that really, really helps me is seeing myself as Jesus sees me. Another thing that helps is ensuring I speak positive things over myself. There really is power in our words. Finally, surrounding myself with people who speak positively to and about me has really helped me to maintain confidence and a healthy self-esteem. I genuinely believe that there’s nothing I can’t do, except maybe fight a war, lol. I’m also very much aware that people on social media might only show you the good parts, so you can’t really judge based on what you are seeing. The best reminder, however for me, is that we are all on different paths and journeys. Also, I believe everyone needs a break from social media once in a while because that can be a lot. 

Tasha: Social media is not real. The influx of images and constant access to watch other people’s lives is not normal so I try to not be on it as much, because I don’t think it’s healthy. Comparison wise, nobody is better than you and everyone has insecurities; it doesn’t take anything away from you or add anything to the next person. She is her, as much as you are you, and there is beauty in that. 

What would you say to a young girl who is facing challenges in pursuing her goals and dreams?

Shasha: I would say, have a plan and a vision. Itemize everything if possible. Break down your goals to bits and pieces that are achievable even in the short run. Put timelines if you need to, and then just start. Most importantly, don’t give up. Sometimes you might need to pivot or tweak the goals or dreams but never give up. (I feel like I really needed to hear that myself). 

Tasha: Listen a lot to what really makes you happy; a lot of outside voices tend to be drowning to your dreams. You have to believe in yourself and be your biggest fan. Surround yourself with like-minded people who motivate you and talk about your dreams; it makes it more real. My faith also helps me to believe that nothing is beyond me.

What are the three things you believe every girl should have?

Shasha: Someone speaking positively to her, a role model, good friends, and a smile. 

Tasha: I think a notebook and/or journal – to write down thoughts, plans, dreams and ideas also things to do; a really nice dress that makes you feel pretty; and a nice scented candle or scent around.

As a female, how do you navigate societal and cultural expectations while still embracing your individuality?

Shasha: We grew up in a home where gender roles weren’t really a thing, and for the most part, I never really saw being a girl or woman as a limitation to my goals or aspirations or the things I wanted to do. I don’t believe I grew up thinking there was anything I couldn’t do as a girl child. I think in some ways, that mentality that I can do anything I would like to do has stuck with me as an adult. Also, society and cultural expectations are really shifting these days. If people say you can’t be successful in the business field and have children and be a good mom etc, I’ll point to Indra Nooyi. There’s literally a woman out there succeeding in her field and breaking the next ceiling. 

Tasha: I recently cut my hair! I think it’s funny because I think in African society, beauty is associated with long hair, and cutting it (my hair) has been one of the best decisions I’ve made. I feel even more feminine with it because it flatters my face. Growing up as a teenager in the west – which is more progressive in the expectations for females – and with Papa and you as my parents, has acted as a blindfold for harmful projections of gender roles. I’ve never felt I couldn’t do anything just because I am a woman, or felt I had to necessarily behave in a certain way because I am a woman. 

Name three women who have influenced your perspectives on being a girl and whom you consider role models.

Shasha: When I was younger, I looked up to Abike Dabiri (I think she was the only female House of Reps member at the time?), Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, Chimamanda Adichie and Oby Ezekwesili. Now, I’m not too sure anymore, but while I don’t think of her as a role model, Beyonce inspires me and my work ethic a lot. Oooh, most importantly, you mom (you have influenced my perspectives on being a girl and I consider you a role model). We also have many successful women in our family, and in different ways, they have all influenced my perspectives on being a girl.

Tasha: Well, I think the obvious one is you, and that’s not in an “Of course, I have to say this!” way, but you’ve really sphered my perspective in thinking that nothing is beyond or above my reach. You’re also very accomplished in many ways and have impacted people’s lives which is very inspiring. I’m not really big on role models, honestly, but mom, you immediately come to mind. 

Who is a girl younger than you that you find inspiring?

Shasha: Tasha. She’s a handful, but she’s very bold and fearless. It’s really refreshing to watch her live life on her own terms. 

Tasha: There are many but I can’t think of any right now. I admire girls that are feisty and bold, and also curious.

What do you think mothers or parents can do to strengthen the bond with their daughters?

Shasha: I think it really helps to see your daughters as your friends and not just an extension of you, or someone you have to take care of. Talk to them, share stories with them, tell them what you would do in their situation, listen to them when they open up to you – with open arms, and not just as a parent. In my opinion and experience, the bond you have with your daughter depends on the dynamic of your relationship. I think when our relationship was very mother/daughter-like, it was just that. And we probably didn’t like each other much but we were stuck in each other’s lives cos “Hey, she’s my mum and all!” But that’s not the case now; any small inconvenience I experience, I’m picking up the phone to call you – you are almost like my best friend. I mean, I know I’m yours (OK, after Papa, and maybe after your besties ) because you tell me stuff and I say good bye to you like 10 times before you finally hang up!

But back to what I was saying, if your daughter sees you as a ‘traditional’ parent and a superior being, the bond might not be that strong and might feel transactional. But if they see you as a friend, a person with feelings, dreams, fears, etc, and you show interest in their lives and want to be friends, that could be a good start to building a deeper bond. Also, these things take time so I would say to anyone not to worry if they aren’t where they want to be. Give yourself grace, take it one step at a time and keep at it!

Tasha: Quality time and understanding each other for who you are. I think you need to try and treat relationships in this way especially familial ones because it’s easy to assume you know someone just because you live with them, but do you really know them? Like what they like to do in their spare time, what is their favourite thing to do, favourite artiste? So, you should have more conversations and quality time like going out to eat or take walks, not necessarily cooking. Do things you would genuinely do with your friends.

P/S: Part 2 will be shared next week. Many thanks to the amazing Jessica Ireju who came up with the idea and the questions; what would I do without my Jess? So grateful for you, always!